The noble profession
In the olden days, teachers are one of the noble profession that most parents would want their children to become one. Islam teaches us to respect our teachers second to our parents. This is because, when we are in school, the teachers are the next responsible person to take care of us. Teachers are not just there to teach us the curriculum subjects, but they were there to instill good values, build characters and help our parents by developing us as a whole person.
Such are the responsibilities of a teacher that nowadays, most parents and children/teenagers does not understand the concept of learning in school.
To the modern parents, schooling is mostly about academic achievements. Most parents are more concerned of their children’s grades than the personality and character building that actually comes in a package the very first day of school of their children. This is apparent when we read in the newspapers how in some cases school children can be rude to their teachers and their parents felt it is not right for teachers to teach their children by scolding or disciplining them.
There are many views on this particular issue. I’m speaking my mind, as a mother and an educator/lecturer/teacher/facilitator/friend/sister/mother to my students. Yes, I take on a role that constantly intertwined and changes from time to time when the need arises.
I think parents should re-think the objectives of sending their children to school.
When parents themselves have little or no respect to the teachers, they are subconsciously teaching their children to be disrespectful towards their teachers. Think about it for a moment.. Would you like people to regard your children as being rude? Isn’t personality and character the important aspect of leadership apart from the excellent grades?
Just think again..
I send my 10 year old to religious knowledge class (KAFA) after school since he was 7 and gave the Ustaz a cane. We told the Ustaz in the presence of my son to cane him if he is naughty and rude. Sometimes Ustaz pinched him instead of caning him. The thing is that, my son never comes back whining or complaining. This is because he knows that I have already given the permission to Ustaz to reprimand or punish him whenever there is a need to do so. He knows that if he complains, I will cane him again. I do not think this is absurd.
In his teachings, Rasullullah (s.a.w) said that “ 6 years and below, shower them with lots of love, between 7 til 12 years old, cane them when they misbehave, 13 years and above be a friend to them..”
I might be old fashioned, but I think its better that my son knows if he does something wrong, he needs to be reminded by both parents and teachers. By doing so, the teaching is synchronized and synergized.
There is no easy way
My ex-students often approached me to seek advise on the prospect and the procedures of becoming a lecturer. I always tell them what my lecturer ( now, colleague) used to tell me once upon a time.. go on and get at least two years working experience first before applying for Masters Degree and eventually ending up as a lecturer.
I saw the wisdom in that advise when I was given one. The purpose of you having to gain the experience is to firstly, get exposure and learn the hardship of working in advertising or design agencies. This will give you the opportunity to broaden your mind tremendously. You will learn to think maturely. You will be able to analyze and synthesize and make better judgment of what is presented before you.
It is important to have the experience in working because you then can apply what you have learned in the University and make sense of it. You have the opportunity to explore and experiment and sell your creative ideas to the clients and get the highs from being recognized by your bosses. It is all part and parcel of making you a wiser person.
The experience will help you in the process of learning Masters degree.
Character and Personality
Character and personality are the two aspects that you need to consider when you want to become a lecturer. You have to first and foremost have the passion and desire to help develop others in becoming knowledgeable.
You need to know that a lecturers role, is not just teaching the students the subjects, but, a great lecturer would show the students the path of becoming a better person. By that it means, shaping, molding, demonstrating, role-modeling, showing, teaching the way for them to be a better person.
You need to genuinely, wholeheartedly, enthusiastically wanting to do this noble job. If you think that being a lecturer is the easiest profession, you are very wrong. It is not an easy job, and I have friends who can attest to that.
It’s painfully, stressfully, tiringly but wonderfully satisfying becoming a lecturer.
The satisfaction is when you receive thank you notes, via sms, phone calls, writing on the walls of Facebook. These are the priceless rewards of becoming a great lecturer. Students will know if you are being sincere in what you are doing, and you must taste the first fruit of your labor to actually love the profession. When you have reached that stage, you will become addicted and will want to work harder for your students to become the better person.
Other responsibilities..
But of course, apart from teaching, there are 1001 other things that you must do such as research, present papers in conferences, publish, community service, exhibition, conduct seminars, workshops and what have you.. Not to mention that you need to also do Phd along the way. You also need to do some administrative work from time to time as and when is requested by your superior. It has been observed that some lecturers does not understand and forget the fine prints accompanying the job offer. They will say yes to everything during the interview and forget later that there are needs to be fulfilled.
In the next entry, we will look into the other aspects of becoming a great teacher.
I welcome comments and feedback from the readers.
Saturday, August 29, 2009
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
volunteerism leadership
Dear beloved family, friends, current and ex-students,
I hope all of you are in good health and happy amongst family members and friends.
Firstly, I apologize for not being able to attend to friends request and reply to messages in the last few months. My current job is actually taking me away from the luxury of getting aquainted with all of you. More over, its the management policy that Facebook is one of the many sites besides friendster and other social media being banned from us in the management team getting access to. These are one of the may things that we have to sacrifice in the name of making UiTM a better place for the students and lecturers.
However, lecturers in faculties still get the privelege to do so. Anyway, that is good because we can get very good information and keep track on who is saying what to the intended parties in Facebook – I’m now refering to my current students. Even though I may not be teaching them in class, but all of the Faculty of Art and Design Students are my students.
I heard some returning students from practical training are complaining about the timetable, and using nasty language openly in Facebook.
May I remind you that whatever you do or say in campus or in public reflects the kind of mentality, character and personality that you have – Here in UiTM, we are giving you the landscape to learn knowledge of your field of interests as well as giving you the opportunity to develop your potential as leaders.
If you are not happy with the system, lecturers, subjects that are thought, methods of delivery, faculty, having to share parking lots with the lecturers etc.. I understand the constraints – we all are having nightmares every single day fighting silently with regards to having to give in to students who drives cars filling our parking lots!. Please be brave and come forward to the Deans office, and speak to our Deputy Dean ( Students Affair and Alumni), Prof Madya Dr Ruslan Abdul Rahim, who is also active in Facebook, and we will try to rectify and find solutions to the problem. ( by the way, he is aware of this current problem and ask the student to come forward, and I have identified the student as well)
Dont be a coward by complaining, cursing and using foul language just to prove a point. Thats not very clever, boys and girls, you are going to be University graduates very soon, please show some integrity and class! Be thankful that you were the chosen one amongst the many others who genuinely wants to study and become somebody. Be thankful that you have other priveleges, shelter, food, pocket money, teachers, family, friends who are there for you when you need them. Be thankful that you have a great opportunity to be of use to the society and community, I HOPE.
On that note, I would like to share with my beloved family, friends, current and ex students, of 1901 Hotdogs – Corporate Social Leadership program – Food for the Homeless. I’d like to thank Encik Afzam Adenan, Brand Manager of 1901 for inviting me to join the volunteer team for this noble purpose. I’m also grateful to the Executive Director and co-Founder of 1901, Encik Ahmad Zakir Ja’afar for giving UiTM the opportunity to participate in this drive and hopefully we can collaborate on doing more Corporate Social Leadership program such as this.
One fine character of a leader that I admire in Encik Zakir is his humbleness in joing the volunteer team on site ( 15 July 09) to mingle with these “Street Buddies” as he called them. This is the kind of role model that I aspire to instill in my students, be humble even though we are highly educated, respect everyone, and we will earn the respect in return.
In this experience, I learned to put my fears aside, I open my eyes, my ears and my heart to them, reaching out to talk to them, shaking their hands and comfort them with empathy. They are human beings, just like us, they have feelings,they have wants and needs, they’re hurting inside. Some of them are young adults, some are middle aged and some are very old. Some are runaways, some being driven away by their family.
Some can speak English and have high hopes on landing themselves on a decent job such as security guard or even a cleaner, so that they are able to be independent. However, these Street Buddies needs proper training before they can be employed. Alot of work needs to be done in changing their mindset, from negative to positive, from worthless to someone of use, raise their self-esteem and help them get back on their feet again. There are psychology issues which needs to be addressed as well.
Some 300-350 packs of food being given away to these Street Buddies every Wednesdays between
5-7pm, and the location is at the small green patch between Central Market and Dayabumi. (next to the river) Anyone who is in my circle of friends and are interested to be part 1901 Volunteer team please email me at csduitm.@yahoo.com.
1901 can only do so much, we can do much more if we all work together in helping the unfortunates and the people who are in real need.
If you dont have the time to join us, perhaps you would like to donate unused casual clothes such as t-shirts, shirts short and long sleeves, pants, jeans etc.. shoes, slippers, sandals ( in good condition), blankets, brand new toiletries – eg toothbrush, toothpaste, comb, shampoo and soap. Medicine such as panadol, antiseptics, lozenges, cracked heel lotion, plasters – basically First aid kit.
I am also a Volunteer of MAKNA (Majlis Kanser Nasional ), they also need these stuffs, including toys and soft toys for children, books etc..
The Community Service Development Unit, University – Industry Linkages and Community Networks, UiTM is in the process of recruiting students and staffs to be Volunteers, UiTM alumni are welcome to join and be the core team leaders – Theres so many community projects ( apart from 1901) that we can embark on collaboration basis. Alumni who are working in local and International companies who is practising Corporate Social Responsibility are most welcome to propose ideas and work together hand in hand with UiTM. We need your support ! Lets help the country and make it a better place to live in!
Be The Difference Maker, Be a Volunteer
Warm regards,
Raba’ah
I hope all of you are in good health and happy amongst family members and friends.
Firstly, I apologize for not being able to attend to friends request and reply to messages in the last few months. My current job is actually taking me away from the luxury of getting aquainted with all of you. More over, its the management policy that Facebook is one of the many sites besides friendster and other social media being banned from us in the management team getting access to. These are one of the may things that we have to sacrifice in the name of making UiTM a better place for the students and lecturers.
However, lecturers in faculties still get the privelege to do so. Anyway, that is good because we can get very good information and keep track on who is saying what to the intended parties in Facebook – I’m now refering to my current students. Even though I may not be teaching them in class, but all of the Faculty of Art and Design Students are my students.
I heard some returning students from practical training are complaining about the timetable, and using nasty language openly in Facebook.
May I remind you that whatever you do or say in campus or in public reflects the kind of mentality, character and personality that you have – Here in UiTM, we are giving you the landscape to learn knowledge of your field of interests as well as giving you the opportunity to develop your potential as leaders.
If you are not happy with the system, lecturers, subjects that are thought, methods of delivery, faculty, having to share parking lots with the lecturers etc.. I understand the constraints – we all are having nightmares every single day fighting silently with regards to having to give in to students who drives cars filling our parking lots!. Please be brave and come forward to the Deans office, and speak to our Deputy Dean ( Students Affair and Alumni), Prof Madya Dr Ruslan Abdul Rahim, who is also active in Facebook, and we will try to rectify and find solutions to the problem. ( by the way, he is aware of this current problem and ask the student to come forward, and I have identified the student as well)
Dont be a coward by complaining, cursing and using foul language just to prove a point. Thats not very clever, boys and girls, you are going to be University graduates very soon, please show some integrity and class! Be thankful that you were the chosen one amongst the many others who genuinely wants to study and become somebody. Be thankful that you have other priveleges, shelter, food, pocket money, teachers, family, friends who are there for you when you need them. Be thankful that you have a great opportunity to be of use to the society and community, I HOPE.
On that note, I would like to share with my beloved family, friends, current and ex students, of 1901 Hotdogs – Corporate Social Leadership program – Food for the Homeless. I’d like to thank Encik Afzam Adenan, Brand Manager of 1901 for inviting me to join the volunteer team for this noble purpose. I’m also grateful to the Executive Director and co-Founder of 1901, Encik Ahmad Zakir Ja’afar for giving UiTM the opportunity to participate in this drive and hopefully we can collaborate on doing more Corporate Social Leadership program such as this.
One fine character of a leader that I admire in Encik Zakir is his humbleness in joing the volunteer team on site ( 15 July 09) to mingle with these “Street Buddies” as he called them. This is the kind of role model that I aspire to instill in my students, be humble even though we are highly educated, respect everyone, and we will earn the respect in return.
In this experience, I learned to put my fears aside, I open my eyes, my ears and my heart to them, reaching out to talk to them, shaking their hands and comfort them with empathy. They are human beings, just like us, they have feelings,they have wants and needs, they’re hurting inside. Some of them are young adults, some are middle aged and some are very old. Some are runaways, some being driven away by their family.
Some can speak English and have high hopes on landing themselves on a decent job such as security guard or even a cleaner, so that they are able to be independent. However, these Street Buddies needs proper training before they can be employed. Alot of work needs to be done in changing their mindset, from negative to positive, from worthless to someone of use, raise their self-esteem and help them get back on their feet again. There are psychology issues which needs to be addressed as well.
Some 300-350 packs of food being given away to these Street Buddies every Wednesdays between
5-7pm, and the location is at the small green patch between Central Market and Dayabumi. (next to the river) Anyone who is in my circle of friends and are interested to be part 1901 Volunteer team please email me at csduitm.@yahoo.com.
1901 can only do so much, we can do much more if we all work together in helping the unfortunates and the people who are in real need.
If you dont have the time to join us, perhaps you would like to donate unused casual clothes such as t-shirts, shirts short and long sleeves, pants, jeans etc.. shoes, slippers, sandals ( in good condition), blankets, brand new toiletries – eg toothbrush, toothpaste, comb, shampoo and soap. Medicine such as panadol, antiseptics, lozenges, cracked heel lotion, plasters – basically First aid kit.
I am also a Volunteer of MAKNA (Majlis Kanser Nasional ), they also need these stuffs, including toys and soft toys for children, books etc..
The Community Service Development Unit, University – Industry Linkages and Community Networks, UiTM is in the process of recruiting students and staffs to be Volunteers, UiTM alumni are welcome to join and be the core team leaders – Theres so many community projects ( apart from 1901) that we can embark on collaboration basis. Alumni who are working in local and International companies who is practising Corporate Social Responsibility are most welcome to propose ideas and work together hand in hand with UiTM. We need your support ! Lets help the country and make it a better place to live in!
Be The Difference Maker, Be a Volunteer
Warm regards,
Raba’ah
Sunday, April 13, 2008
Gratitude
It has been 4 years since my write-up on ‘broken - heart management’. Wow! It felt like it was just yesterday that I went through a broken- heart and reached out to others in the process of my own healing!
Friends, I am a much stronger person now, thanks to Allah Almighty, for loving me even though I have done many wrong things in life, thanks to allthe the positive people who encouraged me, my pet sister, Azliza Abdul Rahman, she was there for me all the time during my good and bad, my spiritual leader. Jamizan Jalaluddin, for her compassion and caring, for guiding me spiritually as well. My supervisor Prof Allan Whitfield, who understood the challenges of personal problems that I went through, and went on to say, “ Siti, you are a dynamic person, and you don’t know that just yet” , which has a tremendous impact of my believe system today. Simone Taffe, for being there for me to listen to my troubles and believing in me that I am able and capable. Dr Ruslan Abdul Rahim, my mentor ever since my college days until today, he knows just the right words to encourage me and prodded me into the right direction.
Prof Dr. Ahmad Zainuddin, who believed that I am a capable person, my psychologist in Swinburne University of Technology, for Helen Kalaboukas, who had listened to my sorrows and helped me tremendously in the process of my healing! It was good crying –out every time! Helen made me realize that I am a good person and that I deserve all the good things in life. Thank you for showing me the power of self-affirmation, It was indeed a powerful tool to put self-confidence back in me. It helped me decide to do positive things to help me overcome my hurt and pain, and most of all, overcoming my FEAR of not being able to love again!
Thanks to my dad, Abdul Razak Mohd Nur, even though we had rough times in our father-daughter relationship during my growing up and teenage years until recently that we have decided to build a new relationship. We missed that crucial years of building trust and love in order for me to develop as a whole person. I hope that we are able to maintain our good relationship in the years to come. Thank you to my cousins, Sharon, Adrian, and Charlie Menezes, for keeping the ties between us, and made me realize that my late mothers side of the family are all by my side, either in their thoughts and heart. Thanks to my family in Melbourne especially Nanny, who shared with me the stories of her lifetime, and shared with me who my real mother was.
To my half brother Jason Om, who is now residing in Adelaide, you made me feel closer to our late mother, thank you for accepting me as your sister even though of our different beliefs. I am always here for you and looking forward to seeing you again in your next trip to Malaysia. Thank You Aunt Helena and Uncle John, for your concern and love, you made me feel closer to my late mother as well. To cousin Mark, who helped me in his own way while I was in Melbourne, thank you for sharing and accompany me during my times of sadness. And Daniel, even though we are not able to meet as often, it was good to know that we have that strong family bond each and every time we get to meet.
Thank you to the rest of my fathers’ side of the family, aunts and uncles who have indeed played an important role in the process of me being where I am today. Despite of our differences in values and way of thinking, I know that someday, we will be able to forgive one another for our shortcomings. Thank you also to all the people who have crossed my path, I have learned something valuable from each and every one of you.
I would also like to thank the authors of the books that I have read, Sussan Jeffers, ( Feel the fear and do it anyway, The Feel The Fear Guide to Long Lasting Love) Daniel Goleman, ( Emotional Intelligence, Working With Emotional Intelligence, The New Leader) John Maxwell,( Developing The Leader In You, Developing Leaders Around You, Failing Forward, Thinking For a Change, 25 Ways with People, Cassettes – Change The Peoples Response, Why Not Do What You would Like to Do?, Mistakes I’ve Made, Lessons I’ve Learned,) Sue Minns, ( Soul Mate), Gary Chapman ( Four Seasons of Marriage), Dr Fadhilah Kamsah (cassettes). Mc Nally & Speak ( Be Your Own Brand).
The books that I have read and cassettes I have listened to continuously motivates me when I am feeling low, they were always there for me whenever I needed them.
The most important thing that I have learned in the process of becoming the person that I want to be is to believe in my self despite what other people say and think about me. I believed that I was able to spring back into life and spread the positive to others. I believed that I am a good person, despite of the fact that some may think that I am not. I believed that I am here for a purpose and through the process of self-discovery I realized that my purpose in life is to help others be the best they can be.
Some people may think that I am different, and YES, I am proud to say that I am unique and different in my own way, the way I approach to life, the way I think, my values and my practice. I want to be different, I want to stand out from the crowd, I am a different but an ordinary person who doesn’t have much to offer other than my friendship and experience in life to others who value the importance of personal growth and the benefits of life long learning.
I have my share of story to tell, in a positive light, in the hope that I am able to stir and move you in a positive direction, to take charge of your self, to make better decisions in your life, to constantly build that inner strength.
People who came across me who listened to the story of my life often wonder how I was able to be strong and resilient in facing the challenge of life. More often than not the remarks that I get is “but you look and sound so confident and sure of yourself”. Some friends have voiced out their amazement in my ability to handle such difficult situation. I sometimes am amazed with myself as well. Only when I hear their applause then I realized I was much more than I think I was.
I’ve come a long way. My traumatic childhood and turbulent teenage years have had a great impact in shaping the way I think and the way I feel about people and life. I’m blessed for having the curious mind of wanting to know why I became the person I was back then.
Daniel Goleman helped me understand my strengths and weaknesses, and I realized that my childhood and teenage experiences helped me to develop my emotional intelligence. I began to look at my past experiences in a positive way, I understood the relevance of the sad stories of my life is actually helping me become a person who is emotionally intelligent. I was so happy to know that I am able to demonstrate EQ that I wrote him an email to personally thank him for showing me what a special person I was. Just to test whether I am able to get a response from the best selling author, he replied soon after. That made me realize that I am able, that I can do it.
John Maxwell taught me to develop the leader in myself, by becoming a person of positive influence, and helped me see that the ultimate thing that a person could ever achieve in his living years is to help develop others become leaders as well.
I listened to his cassette, “Why not do what you would like to do?”, every now and then, which gave me the courage to start my own writing. Hence, the birth of this blog site. Some day, I will write on the story of my life, my aim is to help empower those who have similar experiences but just don’t know how to overcome it and develop personal growth.
Sussan Jeffers helped me overcome my fears. I have lived in fear almost three quarter my lifetime. This fear is a result of low-self esteem and lack of self-confidence because of negative inputs during my childhood development. Susan was very helpful and when I had some problems recently, I sent her an email. I was confident that she would reply. And she did. The result, she pointed me to help my self to one of her book, “The Feel The Fear Guide To Lasting Love”. This book talked about “picking up the mirror instead of the magnifying glass”. She also mentioned that I need to improve on a certain aspect of my self, which I quickly vowed to do just that. I was lucky that MPH bookstore had only one copy left. The book is in my possession now. For those who have problems with your relationship, you must get hold of this book! But you also must be ready to do some changes in yourself in order to make your relationship work.
I am blessed that I have so many people to look up to in the process of becoming the person I want to be. I am that person now. I want to help others who want to help themselves be a better person through self-discovery, tapping into their personal growth.
I believe everyone has the potential to be a successful person in whatever they do. The only thing that stops them from becoming one is their mindset and attitude.
If you want to be a better person, follow those who have been to the path of personal growth and self-discovery. Open your mind and heart to the knowledge of empowering your self, unleashing your true potential in becoming successful in life.
Chose to be good. Chose to be the model for others. Chose to be YOU.
Friends, I am a much stronger person now, thanks to Allah Almighty, for loving me even though I have done many wrong things in life, thanks to allthe the positive people who encouraged me, my pet sister, Azliza Abdul Rahman, she was there for me all the time during my good and bad, my spiritual leader. Jamizan Jalaluddin, for her compassion and caring, for guiding me spiritually as well. My supervisor Prof Allan Whitfield, who understood the challenges of personal problems that I went through, and went on to say, “ Siti, you are a dynamic person, and you don’t know that just yet” , which has a tremendous impact of my believe system today. Simone Taffe, for being there for me to listen to my troubles and believing in me that I am able and capable. Dr Ruslan Abdul Rahim, my mentor ever since my college days until today, he knows just the right words to encourage me and prodded me into the right direction.
Prof Dr. Ahmad Zainuddin, who believed that I am a capable person, my psychologist in Swinburne University of Technology, for Helen Kalaboukas, who had listened to my sorrows and helped me tremendously in the process of my healing! It was good crying –out every time! Helen made me realize that I am a good person and that I deserve all the good things in life. Thank you for showing me the power of self-affirmation, It was indeed a powerful tool to put self-confidence back in me. It helped me decide to do positive things to help me overcome my hurt and pain, and most of all, overcoming my FEAR of not being able to love again!
Thanks to my dad, Abdul Razak Mohd Nur, even though we had rough times in our father-daughter relationship during my growing up and teenage years until recently that we have decided to build a new relationship. We missed that crucial years of building trust and love in order for me to develop as a whole person. I hope that we are able to maintain our good relationship in the years to come. Thank you to my cousins, Sharon, Adrian, and Charlie Menezes, for keeping the ties between us, and made me realize that my late mothers side of the family are all by my side, either in their thoughts and heart. Thanks to my family in Melbourne especially Nanny, who shared with me the stories of her lifetime, and shared with me who my real mother was.
To my half brother Jason Om, who is now residing in Adelaide, you made me feel closer to our late mother, thank you for accepting me as your sister even though of our different beliefs. I am always here for you and looking forward to seeing you again in your next trip to Malaysia. Thank You Aunt Helena and Uncle John, for your concern and love, you made me feel closer to my late mother as well. To cousin Mark, who helped me in his own way while I was in Melbourne, thank you for sharing and accompany me during my times of sadness. And Daniel, even though we are not able to meet as often, it was good to know that we have that strong family bond each and every time we get to meet.
Thank you to the rest of my fathers’ side of the family, aunts and uncles who have indeed played an important role in the process of me being where I am today. Despite of our differences in values and way of thinking, I know that someday, we will be able to forgive one another for our shortcomings. Thank you also to all the people who have crossed my path, I have learned something valuable from each and every one of you.
I would also like to thank the authors of the books that I have read, Sussan Jeffers, ( Feel the fear and do it anyway, The Feel The Fear Guide to Long Lasting Love) Daniel Goleman, ( Emotional Intelligence, Working With Emotional Intelligence, The New Leader) John Maxwell,( Developing The Leader In You, Developing Leaders Around You, Failing Forward, Thinking For a Change, 25 Ways with People, Cassettes – Change The Peoples Response, Why Not Do What You would Like to Do?, Mistakes I’ve Made, Lessons I’ve Learned,) Sue Minns, ( Soul Mate), Gary Chapman ( Four Seasons of Marriage), Dr Fadhilah Kamsah (cassettes). Mc Nally & Speak ( Be Your Own Brand).
The books that I have read and cassettes I have listened to continuously motivates me when I am feeling low, they were always there for me whenever I needed them.
The most important thing that I have learned in the process of becoming the person that I want to be is to believe in my self despite what other people say and think about me. I believed that I was able to spring back into life and spread the positive to others. I believed that I am a good person, despite of the fact that some may think that I am not. I believed that I am here for a purpose and through the process of self-discovery I realized that my purpose in life is to help others be the best they can be.
Some people may think that I am different, and YES, I am proud to say that I am unique and different in my own way, the way I approach to life, the way I think, my values and my practice. I want to be different, I want to stand out from the crowd, I am a different but an ordinary person who doesn’t have much to offer other than my friendship and experience in life to others who value the importance of personal growth and the benefits of life long learning.
I have my share of story to tell, in a positive light, in the hope that I am able to stir and move you in a positive direction, to take charge of your self, to make better decisions in your life, to constantly build that inner strength.
People who came across me who listened to the story of my life often wonder how I was able to be strong and resilient in facing the challenge of life. More often than not the remarks that I get is “but you look and sound so confident and sure of yourself”. Some friends have voiced out their amazement in my ability to handle such difficult situation. I sometimes am amazed with myself as well. Only when I hear their applause then I realized I was much more than I think I was.
I’ve come a long way. My traumatic childhood and turbulent teenage years have had a great impact in shaping the way I think and the way I feel about people and life. I’m blessed for having the curious mind of wanting to know why I became the person I was back then.
Daniel Goleman helped me understand my strengths and weaknesses, and I realized that my childhood and teenage experiences helped me to develop my emotional intelligence. I began to look at my past experiences in a positive way, I understood the relevance of the sad stories of my life is actually helping me become a person who is emotionally intelligent. I was so happy to know that I am able to demonstrate EQ that I wrote him an email to personally thank him for showing me what a special person I was. Just to test whether I am able to get a response from the best selling author, he replied soon after. That made me realize that I am able, that I can do it.
John Maxwell taught me to develop the leader in myself, by becoming a person of positive influence, and helped me see that the ultimate thing that a person could ever achieve in his living years is to help develop others become leaders as well.
I listened to his cassette, “Why not do what you would like to do?”, every now and then, which gave me the courage to start my own writing. Hence, the birth of this blog site. Some day, I will write on the story of my life, my aim is to help empower those who have similar experiences but just don’t know how to overcome it and develop personal growth.
Sussan Jeffers helped me overcome my fears. I have lived in fear almost three quarter my lifetime. This fear is a result of low-self esteem and lack of self-confidence because of negative inputs during my childhood development. Susan was very helpful and when I had some problems recently, I sent her an email. I was confident that she would reply. And she did. The result, she pointed me to help my self to one of her book, “The Feel The Fear Guide To Lasting Love”. This book talked about “picking up the mirror instead of the magnifying glass”. She also mentioned that I need to improve on a certain aspect of my self, which I quickly vowed to do just that. I was lucky that MPH bookstore had only one copy left. The book is in my possession now. For those who have problems with your relationship, you must get hold of this book! But you also must be ready to do some changes in yourself in order to make your relationship work.
I am blessed that I have so many people to look up to in the process of becoming the person I want to be. I am that person now. I want to help others who want to help themselves be a better person through self-discovery, tapping into their personal growth.
I believe everyone has the potential to be a successful person in whatever they do. The only thing that stops them from becoming one is their mindset and attitude.
If you want to be a better person, follow those who have been to the path of personal growth and self-discovery. Open your mind and heart to the knowledge of empowering your self, unleashing your true potential in becoming successful in life.
Chose to be good. Chose to be the model for others. Chose to be YOU.
Wednesday, May 30, 2007
HOW TO BE SELF-MOTIVATED
1. Cultivate the love for reading
Cultivate the love for reading, if you want to know how to do something, dont just say, ‘but i dont know how’, and ‘i dont want to ask because fear of being labelled as ‘stupid’’.
Those who ask and initiate will benefit the rewards of wanting to know, compared to those who refuse to admit that they need to learn.
What you should say is ‘I dont know how, but do you think you can teach me a few things about this, or I’ll try to look for some reading materials to facilitate my learning process on this particular subject'.
For eg; you dont know how to cook and you just pray and hope that one day you wake up and suddenly you can cook. Life doesnt work that way. In the old days, there were no books of ‘how to’s’. But now, there are plenty.
2. Change the way you think - negative to positive
You are what you think. Most of us have negative thoughts about ourselves that we dont see the possibility of achieving something.
3. Learn goal-setting
Plan for what you want to achieve, how you want to get it, how long will you need, who are the people able to help you
4. Set a purpose in life
Purpose
what is the measurement of success? To me, its not by how many awards I achieved or by getting - a title
Success is by looking into the self, being self motivated, by accepting that learning is a lifelong experience.
Success is not about you, its about others, how you spread/extend your goodwill to others.
What is your principle in life? Learning as we go along. By preparing, equipping oneself before given any task is equally important and will bring effective results.
What is your purpose in life?
5. Break big task into smaller task
When you have a schedule, you can break the big task into smaller ones, its easier to monitor progress when you complete smaller task.
6. Do to - do list
Plan your day - do a list of things to do for the day.
Be realistic on the task that you can accomplish within the day, usually 10 is the average, if you can only complete only 7 in a day, dont panic and be hard on your self, carry forward the remaining 3 for the next day and add more things to do appropriately.
You will have a sense of control of your day.
7. Self-affirmation - pin up on the wall
Practice self-affirmation - its a form of positive talk to yourself. Write small notes of what you want to remind yourself of and stick them on the wall where you can see them easily.
8. Role -model
Find yourself a role model. It can be someone in your working place, or someone else who are successful in life, learn the way they think, what they do, what they read. If possible discuss with them about your plans and goals.
9. cultivate the right spirit to success
Learn from others what you can improve on the way you do things, learn from people of all walks of life. Dont be envious over other people’s success, but rather observe how the become successful and take heed.
10. Chart achievements
Keep a journal of your achievements, chart them out so you can look at it time and again whenever you feel demotivated. the journal of achievement will make you realise how much you have accomplished.
11. Learn to reward yourself for every achievement
Watch a movie, buy a new outfit, have an ice cream, have your favourite cake, INDULGE!
13. Monitor progress
Always keep in check of where you are and how far you are from your goal.
14. Self- reflecting
Constantly looking back at how you think, how you do things, how you feel about things and how you relate to other people, will help you to make improvements on how to be more motivated to achieve what you want in life.
Cultivate the love for reading, if you want to know how to do something, dont just say, ‘but i dont know how’, and ‘i dont want to ask because fear of being labelled as ‘stupid’’.
Those who ask and initiate will benefit the rewards of wanting to know, compared to those who refuse to admit that they need to learn.
What you should say is ‘I dont know how, but do you think you can teach me a few things about this, or I’ll try to look for some reading materials to facilitate my learning process on this particular subject'.
For eg; you dont know how to cook and you just pray and hope that one day you wake up and suddenly you can cook. Life doesnt work that way. In the old days, there were no books of ‘how to’s’. But now, there are plenty.
2. Change the way you think - negative to positive
You are what you think. Most of us have negative thoughts about ourselves that we dont see the possibility of achieving something.
3. Learn goal-setting
Plan for what you want to achieve, how you want to get it, how long will you need, who are the people able to help you
4. Set a purpose in life
Purpose
what is the measurement of success? To me, its not by how many awards I achieved or by getting - a title
Success is by looking into the self, being self motivated, by accepting that learning is a lifelong experience.
Success is not about you, its about others, how you spread/extend your goodwill to others.
What is your principle in life? Learning as we go along. By preparing, equipping oneself before given any task is equally important and will bring effective results.
What is your purpose in life?
5. Break big task into smaller task
When you have a schedule, you can break the big task into smaller ones, its easier to monitor progress when you complete smaller task.
6. Do to - do list
Plan your day - do a list of things to do for the day.
Be realistic on the task that you can accomplish within the day, usually 10 is the average, if you can only complete only 7 in a day, dont panic and be hard on your self, carry forward the remaining 3 for the next day and add more things to do appropriately.
You will have a sense of control of your day.
7. Self-affirmation - pin up on the wall
Practice self-affirmation - its a form of positive talk to yourself. Write small notes of what you want to remind yourself of and stick them on the wall where you can see them easily.
8. Role -model
Find yourself a role model. It can be someone in your working place, or someone else who are successful in life, learn the way they think, what they do, what they read. If possible discuss with them about your plans and goals.
9. cultivate the right spirit to success
Learn from others what you can improve on the way you do things, learn from people of all walks of life. Dont be envious over other people’s success, but rather observe how the become successful and take heed.
10. Chart achievements
Keep a journal of your achievements, chart them out so you can look at it time and again whenever you feel demotivated. the journal of achievement will make you realise how much you have accomplished.
11. Learn to reward yourself for every achievement
Watch a movie, buy a new outfit, have an ice cream, have your favourite cake, INDULGE!
13. Monitor progress
Always keep in check of where you are and how far you are from your goal.
14. Self- reflecting
Constantly looking back at how you think, how you do things, how you feel about things and how you relate to other people, will help you to make improvements on how to be more motivated to achieve what you want in life.
BROKEN-HEART MANAGEMENT
I wrote this article, emailed to the editor of a local newspaper. It was never published because the editor said that they already had something written for Valentine's that year.
Last night as I was cleaning up my laptop, I stumbled upon the 'broken heart management' file, and I thought to my self, why dont i just blog it and see what happens..
Here goes..
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Editor, I would very much appreciate if you could publish my article entitled Broken-Heart Management just before 14th February 2004, or on 14th February 2004 itself. I believe this would be an interesting topic in celebrating 2004 Valentine’s Day. I’m not sure which category this will come under, perhaps in Lifestyle, or People or which ever you think it is appropriate for the benefit of all readers.
I thank you in advance,
_______________________________________________________________
6th february 2004
broken-heart management
Its the month of February again Gals! And you know what that means.
Its the month of expression of LOVE!
I have some important work to do today, but I was strucked by the urgency to share this delightful experience of mine to all the girls/women and to a certain extend, GUYS! out there, who are currently suffering from a broken heart. My work can wait, but this couldn’t posibly wait. I’m bursting with positive energy to share this with you.
Something happened to me recently that inspired me to get my flow of thoughts out.
I guess I’m fed up with endless write-ups in the magazines, books and news papers on How to Have a Happy Relationship, How to Have a Long Lasting Marriage, How to Win Your Partners Heart, How This and How That successfully, which doesnt really address to the issue of HEALING, the healing of the broken heart, that is.
If there is a book on how to handle a broken heart or a divorce or an ailing relationship, it would be from some foreign country, which is good, but really, we need to have more of this from our own resources, for our own people! So, People out there! The first step to manage a broken heart and healing is to share your thoughts with others!
Write a note, an article, a book, a poem or whatever, and spread it to the world. Ofcourse, the thoughts must be in a POSITIVE mode, or else it will inflict more pain to the readers. Even if you dont know how to write, LEARN! ask a friend to help you construct the sentenses form your basic ideas.
Actually, this write up is not only intended for those who suffer from a broken heart because of a ‘boy, girl, lovey-dovey relationship’. But also to those who have experienced broken hearts with family, siblings, friends, also those who are still in a relationship at the moment and feeling hurt and pain. So long as you have the ‘relationship’ with people, or human beings, this reading material will benefit you, if you DARE take the challenge and TAKE ACTION!
OK. since this is the month of expressing love, as in Valentines, ( I’m a Muslim, not supposed to believe in all these, but I believe the act of love and love itself comes from the Almighty Allah and to others who have a different faith, GOD. Yes, we must embrace the faith that we have a Creator, who is responsible of our being in this world )
Yes, again, the next step to healing, is to SPREAD LOVE to others, even when this is a very difficult thing to do, especially when you feel there is no love in you anymore to give. So, in sharing my experience with you, I’m spreading love, for my own healing.
My friends, believe me, I have come a long way in enduring PAIN. But I dont want to talk about that now. This is the time to focus on YOU, not me.
Now, the third step is, in order to experience this wonderful process of healing, try to keep an OPEN MIND, and OPEN HEART to the goodness of life that will come your way. The first goodness of life at this point of time is the presense of Knowledge on how to manage your broken heart. So my friends, read with an open HEART and MIND!
Be the master of Pain
This is what I have experienced, the things that I do to overcome my fear of being alone, fear of not being able to love again, not being able to be loved. To all the women out there, we must be strong and have that positive fighting spirit to keep our chins up and get on with our lives. I have come to learn all these by reading alot of books on various subjects, especially psychology. Also, from trial and error in personal experiences, exploration and self - mastery.
1. Acceptance
Somehow, we must learn to accept that the presense of PAIN, is actually TO MAKE you, and NOT TO break you. In the absense of PAIN, you will never find your inner strength. So my friends, be the master of PAIN!
2. Letting GO
Learn to let go of the hurt, people, events that has destroyed or damage your dignity, self respect and self worth. feel the hurt, the pain, and let it flow out from the core of your being. Say to yourself
“ I’m letting go the hurt, the pain, the event and........( name of the person who inflicted the hurt and the pain to you)”. Do this 3 times as you wake up in the morning ( because the face of the person, the hurt and the painful events will be the first thing that will appear in your mind or before your eyes, when you wake up in the morning! )
3 times before you go to sleep. Inhale and exhale deeply after each time you say the sentence.
Anytime during the day, when you are doing your work or whatever, when you feel ‘them’ coming to attack you, do it several times until you feel light and relieved.
3. Forgiving
This is a very difficult task. I always say “ I can forgive, but I will never forget’ well, actually, when you say you can’t forget in a NEGATIVE mode, you are not actually forgiving that particular person. Memories, good or bad, will stay in your minds forever, unless you are suffering from amnesia! Wish that you could wake up one morning and all the bad memories are gone forever?
Or if there is a pill you can pop in your mouth and the momories will dissapear instantly? I have thought of that countless times. But the truth to the matter is that, for as long as you live, until you really learn to forgive, and really forget in a POSITIVE mode, you will never be released from the HURT and the PAIN you are experiencing.
If you have an abusive or ignorant parents who just dont know how to reach out to you; understand, accept and forgive them, because they didnt get the chance to go for seminars and conferences or read books on ‘How to be good parents’ during their time. They make do with what they learned from their own parents. Life is a vicious cycle. If you have a very loving parent, chances are your grandparents were loving towards them, and you may pick up that loving vibes from your very own parents and build your own family in a very loving environment.
Learn to forgive yourself and the people who have hurt you.
Its OK to feel sad, but dont feel sad all the time until you cant do anything else. Set a time frame for “Crying”, “Feeling LOW” “Feeling sad” This is what I have come to master, when I feel really hurt, I will go on crying for a good half and hour, or an hour. Then after the tears are all gone, I brace my self, tell my self, “OK, thats enough for now, I feel better now, I am a strong person, I will focus on the important things that I need to do at this time, I am healed for now”. And move forward. I feel much stronger than before after a good cry.
Strangely, when you start thinking positive about yourself, you will find that you can go through the day with much ease, at the end of the day, you will find that its not that bad after all. Learn to rely on your own shoulder to cry on! You dont want to burden your sorrows on another person who have their own set of problems! Trust that you can learn to heal yourself!
This is the only way for progress to happen. If you wallow in self- pity, self inflicted pain, which is, not giving yourself the chance to HEAL properly, you will go into a depression mode, thats when you wont feel like eating or eating too much, dont want to meet people, hide yourself away from the world.
Every new day is a challenge. Greet a new day with positiveness and TRUST that everything will be OK. Rise up to the challenge, and you will be surprised at how far you can go. Stop feeling sorry for yourself! Getting dumped, disowned, separation or divorce is not the end of the world! Take it as a blessing from the Almighty.
Saying ‘I will never forget’ is OK, but accept that the damage has been done, and its time to heal, and move forward. When you are really in the journey of healing of your broken heart, then only you will look back on the past and be able to say, “ I’m learning to accept the fact that my hurtful past is making me a stronger person today”
Reflecting of the past is good if you want to revisit the mistakes you have done and try not to repeat it over again. But do not reflect because you want to use that as an anchor to keep you from moving forward. That is what I call being ‘selfishly stubborn’ for no apparent reason! We have the choice to HEAL ourselves, why deprive ourselves from our very own ability to HEAL?
Wish them all, the people who have hurt you, good health, good fortune and good life. Release your selfishness by being more giving. Because giving is healing. Have compassion for others, even though they have put you through PAIN, once upon a time.
4. Trust that you will be OK, despite of feeling very low
It is very important that you have to have faith in yourself! Believe that you have the power within you to turn your life around! Its OK, to feel low, but set a time frame. How long do you want to feel low in a day? One hour? Half the day? Learn to bounce back quickly. This is a very important tool, not ony to mend a broken heart, but also to spring back into action when some lousy thing happen to you in your daily routine and make you feeling depressed.
I used to take weeks to bounce back into action after a hurtful event. But now, the turnaround time is ever so quickly that I sometimes just discard the HURT and the PAIN in the trash bin on my way out from where ever the event takes place. And MOVE ON!
5. Self Discovery/ Learn Self Awareness
This is the perfect time for self-renewal, self actualization, self discovery. Look into yourself, identify your strengths and weaknesses, try to make positive improvements with yourself.
Learn about your own self. This will be a good time to really look into what you went through, what went wrong, how you can improve yourself to be a better person and get ready for the next relationship, or just get your life back again.
Look into your strengths and weaknesses. List them down. List what are the things you want and can improve with regards to your weaknesses. What is it about you that even you yourself dont like?
I used to think that I was a real monster. I was very temperamental, judgemental, stubborn and hard-headed , vengeful, amongst other negative things ! I was a difficult person to live with - before I went through self-discovery about a year ago. But I thank Allah for giving me that opportunity to discover myself again, and now, my family and friends who have known me before, are seeing the positive changes in me. Thats the most important and exciting thing about making self-improvements, people get to see POSITIVE RESULTS! And it prompts you to want to make more improvements. This is what we call, continuous improvement for personal growth.
If you dont know why your boyfriend, or girlfriend dumped you, have a courage to call them up and ask sincerely, what are the things that they dislike about you, and start making that radical change! Listen to them with an open heart and mind, do not get defensive. Put your EGO aside, swollow your pride for that moment. Be positive, tell them that you are over them ( even if you are not! ) and that you need the information for your own personal growth and development. You will not lose, there is plenty to gain.
People! We are the new generation! and this is the year of 2004! We are not in the 60’s, 70’s 80’s or 90’s, where people are very set with their beliefs about their own characteristics and bad habits! We need to learn from our own mistakes for positive progress.
Have you ever heard people saying , “ If you dont change your bad habits into good habits by the time you reach 40 years old, it will be difficult to change at all” ? ( Usually its the MALAYS who likes to coin this phrase. ) This is the new age of Change! So why wait until you are 40?
Whoever you are, in your teens, 20’s or 30’s or even 40s for that matter, start NOW! Dont just sulk and say, ‘thats the way I am, I’m stubborn and I’m selfish or I’m a bad person and theres nothing I can do to change that’. Thats is a whole lot of crap! Be the master of your soul! Give yourself a chance. Everyone deserve a second chance!
Ever wonder why some people get married, and get divorced, and get married again and get divorced again, again and again.. or get into and out of relationships ever so frequently? Or getting the same ol’ nag and negative remarks from parents and other extended family? Thats because they never learn from their own mistakes, and never want to make improvements about themselves. These are the people who love to put the blame on others. And the popular saying “ You havent changed a bit since the last time I met you ( 10, 15 years ago?!)” makes you wonder, is it good or bad to be hearing that?!
6. Self affirmation
Everyday, when I go for my morning jogs outdoor, or drive to work or waiting in line, I will do my ZIKIR rituals ( for muslims, praise Allah with Asmaul Husna , there are 99 specific names of Allah which you can recite based on your specific needs . ZIKIR is one of the extras besides performing prayer 5 times a day, fasting and doing good deeds.)
For people of other religion, recite what ever prayers that you learn form your own religion or forms of meditation.
This is a surprising inner strength builder. I feel more confident, more energy and more strength within me. I feel lighter in my heart and in my head, and I feel inner peace. Through my experince, Faith is very important in managing oneself.
I dont feel alone in this world, because I know and I feel that Allah is always there for me, to guide me, to help me in my time of need. All I need to do is ASK. Ask, and TRUST that in time HE will reward me with the good things in life.
The other affirmation that you can try is to say: ‘I am a special person, and A special Man will come into my life’, ‘I’m beautiful, intelligent, caring, funny, full of love and I am open to the goodness that life presents.” you can think of many positive affirmations, tailor made to your own, and start pound it in your head by saying it loudly! ( Well, dont scream or shout, but loud enough for your own hearing!) Say it at least 10 times in a session. You can repeat as many sessions you want in a day. You will feel more positive about yourself.
7. Beliefs
I thank you in advance,
_______________________________________________________________
6th february 2004
broken-heart management
Its the month of February again Gals! And you know what that means.
Its the month of expression of LOVE!
I have some important work to do today, but I was strucked by the urgency to share this delightful experience of mine to all the girls/women and to a certain extend, GUYS! out there, who are currently suffering from a broken heart. My work can wait, but this couldn’t posibly wait. I’m bursting with positive energy to share this with you.
Something happened to me recently that inspired me to get my flow of thoughts out.
I guess I’m fed up with endless write-ups in the magazines, books and news papers on How to Have a Happy Relationship, How to Have a Long Lasting Marriage, How to Win Your Partners Heart, How This and How That successfully, which doesnt really address to the issue of HEALING, the healing of the broken heart, that is.
If there is a book on how to handle a broken heart or a divorce or an ailing relationship, it would be from some foreign country, which is good, but really, we need to have more of this from our own resources, for our own people! So, People out there! The first step to manage a broken heart and healing is to share your thoughts with others!
Write a note, an article, a book, a poem or whatever, and spread it to the world. Ofcourse, the thoughts must be in a POSITIVE mode, or else it will inflict more pain to the readers. Even if you dont know how to write, LEARN! ask a friend to help you construct the sentenses form your basic ideas.
Actually, this write up is not only intended for those who suffer from a broken heart because of a ‘boy, girl, lovey-dovey relationship’. But also to those who have experienced broken hearts with family, siblings, friends, also those who are still in a relationship at the moment and feeling hurt and pain. So long as you have the ‘relationship’ with people, or human beings, this reading material will benefit you, if you DARE take the challenge and TAKE ACTION!
OK. since this is the month of expressing love, as in Valentines, ( I’m a Muslim, not supposed to believe in all these, but I believe the act of love and love itself comes from the Almighty Allah and to others who have a different faith, GOD. Yes, we must embrace the faith that we have a Creator, who is responsible of our being in this world )
Yes, again, the next step to healing, is to SPREAD LOVE to others, even when this is a very difficult thing to do, especially when you feel there is no love in you anymore to give. So, in sharing my experience with you, I’m spreading love, for my own healing.
My friends, believe me, I have come a long way in enduring PAIN. But I dont want to talk about that now. This is the time to focus on YOU, not me.
Now, the third step is, in order to experience this wonderful process of healing, try to keep an OPEN MIND, and OPEN HEART to the goodness of life that will come your way. The first goodness of life at this point of time is the presense of Knowledge on how to manage your broken heart. So my friends, read with an open HEART and MIND!
Be the master of Pain
This is what I have experienced, the things that I do to overcome my fear of being alone, fear of not being able to love again, not being able to be loved. To all the women out there, we must be strong and have that positive fighting spirit to keep our chins up and get on with our lives. I have come to learn all these by reading alot of books on various subjects, especially psychology. Also, from trial and error in personal experiences, exploration and self - mastery.
1. Acceptance
Somehow, we must learn to accept that the presense of PAIN, is actually TO MAKE you, and NOT TO break you. In the absense of PAIN, you will never find your inner strength. So my friends, be the master of PAIN!
2. Letting GO
Learn to let go of the hurt, people, events that has destroyed or damage your dignity, self respect and self worth. feel the hurt, the pain, and let it flow out from the core of your being. Say to yourself
“ I’m letting go the hurt, the pain, the event and........( name of the person who inflicted the hurt and the pain to you)”. Do this 3 times as you wake up in the morning ( because the face of the person, the hurt and the painful events will be the first thing that will appear in your mind or before your eyes, when you wake up in the morning! )
3 times before you go to sleep. Inhale and exhale deeply after each time you say the sentence.
Anytime during the day, when you are doing your work or whatever, when you feel ‘them’ coming to attack you, do it several times until you feel light and relieved.
3. Forgiving
This is a very difficult task. I always say “ I can forgive, but I will never forget’ well, actually, when you say you can’t forget in a NEGATIVE mode, you are not actually forgiving that particular person. Memories, good or bad, will stay in your minds forever, unless you are suffering from amnesia! Wish that you could wake up one morning and all the bad memories are gone forever?
Or if there is a pill you can pop in your mouth and the momories will dissapear instantly? I have thought of that countless times. But the truth to the matter is that, for as long as you live, until you really learn to forgive, and really forget in a POSITIVE mode, you will never be released from the HURT and the PAIN you are experiencing.
If you have an abusive or ignorant parents who just dont know how to reach out to you; understand, accept and forgive them, because they didnt get the chance to go for seminars and conferences or read books on ‘How to be good parents’ during their time. They make do with what they learned from their own parents. Life is a vicious cycle. If you have a very loving parent, chances are your grandparents were loving towards them, and you may pick up that loving vibes from your very own parents and build your own family in a very loving environment.
Learn to forgive yourself and the people who have hurt you.
Its OK to feel sad, but dont feel sad all the time until you cant do anything else. Set a time frame for “Crying”, “Feeling LOW” “Feeling sad” This is what I have come to master, when I feel really hurt, I will go on crying for a good half and hour, or an hour. Then after the tears are all gone, I brace my self, tell my self, “OK, thats enough for now, I feel better now, I am a strong person, I will focus on the important things that I need to do at this time, I am healed for now”. And move forward. I feel much stronger than before after a good cry.
Strangely, when you start thinking positive about yourself, you will find that you can go through the day with much ease, at the end of the day, you will find that its not that bad after all. Learn to rely on your own shoulder to cry on! You dont want to burden your sorrows on another person who have their own set of problems! Trust that you can learn to heal yourself!
This is the only way for progress to happen. If you wallow in self- pity, self inflicted pain, which is, not giving yourself the chance to HEAL properly, you will go into a depression mode, thats when you wont feel like eating or eating too much, dont want to meet people, hide yourself away from the world.
Every new day is a challenge. Greet a new day with positiveness and TRUST that everything will be OK. Rise up to the challenge, and you will be surprised at how far you can go. Stop feeling sorry for yourself! Getting dumped, disowned, separation or divorce is not the end of the world! Take it as a blessing from the Almighty.
Saying ‘I will never forget’ is OK, but accept that the damage has been done, and its time to heal, and move forward. When you are really in the journey of healing of your broken heart, then only you will look back on the past and be able to say, “ I’m learning to accept the fact that my hurtful past is making me a stronger person today”
Reflecting of the past is good if you want to revisit the mistakes you have done and try not to repeat it over again. But do not reflect because you want to use that as an anchor to keep you from moving forward. That is what I call being ‘selfishly stubborn’ for no apparent reason! We have the choice to HEAL ourselves, why deprive ourselves from our very own ability to HEAL?
Wish them all, the people who have hurt you, good health, good fortune and good life. Release your selfishness by being more giving. Because giving is healing. Have compassion for others, even though they have put you through PAIN, once upon a time.
4. Trust that you will be OK, despite of feeling very low
It is very important that you have to have faith in yourself! Believe that you have the power within you to turn your life around! Its OK, to feel low, but set a time frame. How long do you want to feel low in a day? One hour? Half the day? Learn to bounce back quickly. This is a very important tool, not ony to mend a broken heart, but also to spring back into action when some lousy thing happen to you in your daily routine and make you feeling depressed.
I used to take weeks to bounce back into action after a hurtful event. But now, the turnaround time is ever so quickly that I sometimes just discard the HURT and the PAIN in the trash bin on my way out from where ever the event takes place. And MOVE ON!
5. Self Discovery/ Learn Self Awareness
This is the perfect time for self-renewal, self actualization, self discovery. Look into yourself, identify your strengths and weaknesses, try to make positive improvements with yourself.
Learn about your own self. This will be a good time to really look into what you went through, what went wrong, how you can improve yourself to be a better person and get ready for the next relationship, or just get your life back again.
Look into your strengths and weaknesses. List them down. List what are the things you want and can improve with regards to your weaknesses. What is it about you that even you yourself dont like?
I used to think that I was a real monster. I was very temperamental, judgemental, stubborn and hard-headed , vengeful, amongst other negative things ! I was a difficult person to live with - before I went through self-discovery about a year ago. But I thank Allah for giving me that opportunity to discover myself again, and now, my family and friends who have known me before, are seeing the positive changes in me. Thats the most important and exciting thing about making self-improvements, people get to see POSITIVE RESULTS! And it prompts you to want to make more improvements. This is what we call, continuous improvement for personal growth.
If you dont know why your boyfriend, or girlfriend dumped you, have a courage to call them up and ask sincerely, what are the things that they dislike about you, and start making that radical change! Listen to them with an open heart and mind, do not get defensive. Put your EGO aside, swollow your pride for that moment. Be positive, tell them that you are over them ( even if you are not! ) and that you need the information for your own personal growth and development. You will not lose, there is plenty to gain.
People! We are the new generation! and this is the year of 2004! We are not in the 60’s, 70’s 80’s or 90’s, where people are very set with their beliefs about their own characteristics and bad habits! We need to learn from our own mistakes for positive progress.
Have you ever heard people saying , “ If you dont change your bad habits into good habits by the time you reach 40 years old, it will be difficult to change at all” ? ( Usually its the MALAYS who likes to coin this phrase. ) This is the new age of Change! So why wait until you are 40?
Whoever you are, in your teens, 20’s or 30’s or even 40s for that matter, start NOW! Dont just sulk and say, ‘thats the way I am, I’m stubborn and I’m selfish or I’m a bad person and theres nothing I can do to change that’. Thats is a whole lot of crap! Be the master of your soul! Give yourself a chance. Everyone deserve a second chance!
Ever wonder why some people get married, and get divorced, and get married again and get divorced again, again and again.. or get into and out of relationships ever so frequently? Or getting the same ol’ nag and negative remarks from parents and other extended family? Thats because they never learn from their own mistakes, and never want to make improvements about themselves. These are the people who love to put the blame on others. And the popular saying “ You havent changed a bit since the last time I met you ( 10, 15 years ago?!)” makes you wonder, is it good or bad to be hearing that?!
6. Self affirmation
Everyday, when I go for my morning jogs outdoor, or drive to work or waiting in line, I will do my ZIKIR rituals ( for muslims, praise Allah with Asmaul Husna , there are 99 specific names of Allah which you can recite based on your specific needs . ZIKIR is one of the extras besides performing prayer 5 times a day, fasting and doing good deeds.)
For people of other religion, recite what ever prayers that you learn form your own religion or forms of meditation.
This is a surprising inner strength builder. I feel more confident, more energy and more strength within me. I feel lighter in my heart and in my head, and I feel inner peace. Through my experince, Faith is very important in managing oneself.
I dont feel alone in this world, because I know and I feel that Allah is always there for me, to guide me, to help me in my time of need. All I need to do is ASK. Ask, and TRUST that in time HE will reward me with the good things in life.
The other affirmation that you can try is to say: ‘I am a special person, and A special Man will come into my life’, ‘I’m beautiful, intelligent, caring, funny, full of love and I am open to the goodness that life presents.” you can think of many positive affirmations, tailor made to your own, and start pound it in your head by saying it loudly! ( Well, dont scream or shout, but loud enough for your own hearing!) Say it at least 10 times in a session. You can repeat as many sessions you want in a day. You will feel more positive about yourself.
7. Beliefs
Beliefs and faith that there is GOD, the creator of the universe is important, in achieveing a peaceful mind, balance in life. Without beliefs and prayers, you will feel lost in your own world, you will spiral down, loss of self worth and sometimes suicidal. Even if people with beliefs and faith in their own respective religion, there are times when you will feel that you wish you can sleep and never wake up, you wish that you can dissapear from the face of earth, you want to run away in a place where no one will find you and you want the earth to swollow you up! Does these sentences rings a bell, anyone? Well, its time to revisit your purpose in life and look hard into the mirror, and ask yourself, What are my beliefs?
8. Excercise
Focus on yourself, take care, do some transformation on yourself, get yourself activated in energy generating activities, like EXERCISE! you’ll be surprised on how good you will feel after a workout, the brain releases endorphins, the feel good hormones, equals to feeling good when you are in love! You see, who needs a MAN, now, when you can learn to enjoy your own company and get the boundless supply of endorphins?!
Besides, exercise is a great activity which promotes not only physical fitness, but also mental fitness. When you include exercise in your broken heart management program, you will experience clarity in thinking, generate new ideas, feeling energised, looking younger, boost your self-confidence, flexibility, stronger hearts, ( we are healing hearts here, arent we?! ), feeling sexier when you know you have a healthy and fitter body.
Personally, I love to exercise because it makes me a stronger and a whole person. I feel exteremely wonderful and I can take on the day with confidence and feeling positive about myself.
9. Hobbies
Get a hobby friends! If you dont have one, think of one! I love gardening and cooking and baking. These two are the most therapeutic activities which never fail to make me feel proud of myself! I especially love cactus, because somehow it resembles me, I have a strong self defence mechanism to help me deal with PAIN! I have a wide variety of cactus collection at home and it gives me great pleasure to just admire the beauty of each and every one of them.
10. Make new friends
Get out there and start making new friends! Start living again! Quit moping around and sulking in your bedroom and wishing Prince Charming will come to rescue you!
11.Contribution
Helping People / Contribution
Learn to give without expecting anything in return.
Reaching out to others is the hallmark of a successful healing. My motto in life is, “ In helping others to heal, I help myself to heal. In advising others to do good, I advise myself to do good.”
Helping doesn’t only mean giving money. Be generous with your time and energy to assist others in need for a good cause. You will be surprised to the rewards later in life. Understand the concept of “Helping Others”, the rewards are not by getting an expected immediate return from the person you are helping at that moment of time, but believe that the rewards will come back to you in other forms to assist you in managing your life in the future. ( back to Faith in God)
12.Listen to ‘heart making’ songs, not ‘heart breaking’ ones
Meaning, listen to cheeful, positive, upbeat songs. Dont entertain your sorrows by listening to sad songs. My personal preference: When you believe ( Theme for the Prince of Egypt Mariah carey & Whitney Houston, Cant Take That Away ( Mariah’s Theme, HERO) from Mariah Carey Greatest Hits. Look into Yourself - Anggun -Chrysalis , Heal, Thank You, Hey Whatever - Westlife - Turnaround ( for now)
Also, watch happy movies, comedies or ‘inner strength building’ movies, that you can learn from. The problem with us Malaysians is that we like to watch love story movies, and then cry because we are alone, because we dont have our own ‘love story’ to tell, which has a happy ending. Personally, I love watching Legally Blonde 1 and 2, it gives me motivation to be the person I want to be. Get the VCD, I’m sure you will be rejuvenated!
13. Spiritual strengths
Healing takes 3 place in your being. The mind, the body and the soul. Feed your soul with spirituality.This brings us back to having faith and beliefs. Also, develop stronger emotions by believe in self.
14. Cultivate positivity
Change your mindset by start THINKING POSITIVE! Do positive things! Feel the positive energy flowing from head to toe! Be in the positive! Spread positivity to others!
15. Stay away from negative people
Being around negative people will only make it difficult to recouperate. Negative people will say things like “ I told you so”, “ If you listen to what I said you will not be in this problem in the first place ” “ You will never find love again because you’re this and that ” Negative people love to see you spiral down in your own misery, because they want to feel superior and think that they are in control of their own lives.
The truth to the matter is, these people are NOT in control of their own lives and they live in FEAR, thats why they love to pick on others who are weak. They dont know how to lead you to a ‘better place’, because they never been to that ‘better place’ themselves and they are too proud to learn how.
Meaning, they havent reached that ultimate serenity of having a ‘peaceful state of mind’.
Be around positive people instead, and feel the power of ENCOURAGEMENT from their positive energy. They will make you want to get up on your feet again and take charge of your life!
16.Get up, get out and do something! Be in action!
Do what you like! Go retail teraphy, movies, a walk in the park, call an old friend ( but dont dwell in your sorrows with them, learn to have a positive conversation, its OK to tell what you are going through, but reaffirm to them that you will be OK, dont make the worry! ) Go for a holiday or do something that will make you feel good at the end of the day.
17. Never say Never
Dont say you will NEVER fall in love again. Or NEVER be a cheerful person ! NEVER be loved by your mother or your father. That is your negative chatterbox in your own mind telling you all that. Turn around that chatterbox in your mind and tune it to say all the good things. Start your sentance in your mind with positive sentence like ‘ I will Be... I will Do.. I will Have..’
Also, when someone ask ‘ How are you today?’, Answer by using superlatives like “ I feel great!”, “ I feel excellent!”, “ I feel excited!” you will start feeling better when you answer in a POSITIVE mode.
If you say “ not bad..”, “ not good..” , you are giving a negative energy towards that person, and they will feel bad, themselves, and that is not a good thing.
18. Lear to say NO, be assertive
Dont get into another relationship in the instance you’re faced with one! Learn to say NO, and take time to do some background research about this new person who suddenly appear in your life. You dont want to get into another ralationship on a rebound. Dont be disillusioned, dont be fooled! You will suffer again, and it will do more harm to your self-esteem, self worth and self confidence in the long run. Give yourself that personal space and time to grow, before making another commitment.
19. Pamper and reward yourself!
This is about YOU and you alone! Pamper yourself by giving small rewards to yourself on every achievenment in healing your broken heart, however small it is. It doesnt have to be expensive. It can be as cheap and fun as a scoop of an ice- cream, or a packet of M& M’s. But dont reward yourself on chocolate everytime, you dont want to get fatter and that will slow down your healing process!
Personally, I love to reward myself with a new book to read, or watch a good movie everytime there is a significant achievement, with personal growth, or career development.
20. Delay gratification
There is beauty in PATIENCE. Learn to be patient to receive the good things in life. Don’t think that you are doomed and will never experience the good things in life again, just because you are experiencing a broken heart.
21. Do some Reflective Thinking
Find peaceful time alone, reflect upon what are the positive things that you want to instill in yourself. Be a new Brand of yourself! Stand out from the the crowd! Focus your energy on what you want to achieve, do some goal setting for this new year, its not too late yet!
22. Smile! & Thank You
This is a very strong healing method. Smile to people whom you come across. Be generous with it, you will make the receiver smile back and that will make you feel good instantly! Also, say thank you more often to strangers who have served you, the waiter, the person behind the counter, the person who opened the door for you. Include this in your daily routines, and you will experience an uplifting feeling, because, when you express gratitude, you are expressing love to the people around you.In turn, you will receive love from them.
23.Gratitude
Be thankful to each and everyone that comes into your path, be it for good, or for bad. Understand that you are not the person you are today if it werent for the interactions with these people. Understand that, unconciously, you are actually learning from them. They have contributed to you, in every aspect of your life. Yes, understand from now on that we are constantly learning, each and every day in our lives, and until you are aware of what you have learned, there will never be progress.
Whenever I wake up in a morning and thank Allah for a brand new day, I will always ask my self; Who am I going to meet today? and what can I learn from this person?
You will notice that this experience is actually enriching your life, without you even realising it.
24. Feel the Fear
Feel the FEAR and do it anyway! Just do it, what ever that you need to do from number 1 to number 23, and release that potential POWER within you!
I would like to share this with you from the book Until Today!, Daily devotions for spiritual growth and peace of mind by Iyanla Vanzant, 2000, Simon and Schuster, New York.
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February 6
I WILL KNOW LOVE WHEN I REALIZE... THE ONLY WAY I CAN CHALLENGE FEAR IS TO DO THE VERY THING I AM AFRAID TO DO IN THE MOMENT THAT I FEEL AFRAID.
Here is a recipe for living and loving that will yield satisfaction and success:
I Mind full of positive vision
1 Moment of openness
1 Second of willingness
2 Drops of readiness
1 Dash of love
Mix the above ingredients with trust and faith. Roll the mixture into a ball of clear intention. Knead the ball into a thin layer of belief. Smooth out any lumps and cover all holes with prayer. Gently place the layer of expected intent in a dish of great expectation. Preheat your mind with warm loving thoughts about yourself. Allow the layer of belief to rise in words of praise and thanksgiving. Patiently wait for the intention and expectation to be divinely fulfilled.
Until Today, you may have experienced many failed or fallen dreams. Just for today, try a new recipe for loving yourself into a new vision for yourself and for your life. Be devoted to focusing your energy and love on just one thing.
TODAY I AM DEVOTED TO USING ALL THE RIGHT INGREDIENTS FOR A LIFE FULL OF LOVE!
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The BIG Dont’s
House Rules:
Don’t get into the wrong company
Don’t waste your money on the negative things/ self destructive
( Drink, smoke, drugs)
I believe there is a rainbow at the end of the dark tunnel; betterstill, why don’t i light my own pathway in the dark tunnel? In a relationship, we can promise ourselves that we will be true to each other and never leave, but in reality, there are endless possibilities of things that can happen, good and bad.
But that doesnt mean that you have to decide not to have relationships at all. Understand that nothing is permanent in life. Accept that and you will live a more meaningful life, because if you go with the FLOW of LIFE in a positive way, you will be a much happier person.
You need to know and realize what is positive/good and negative/bad for you and learn to be more on the positive mode.
You need to know where you are heading. You need to have a life plan. Create that path that you want to walk on to reach your desired destination. Focus on yourself . Learn self- awareness, and learn from people through observation, interaction, communication.
Cultivate the love for reading and invest in self -development books. There are plenty of these sort in the bookstores. Invest in yourself, do yourself this favour. It may sound difficult and perhaps unimportant to you now, but believe me, you will benefit from all these in the long run. Be the master of your soul, do not let others bring you down because of their own FEAR of not knowing what is going to happen to them in their own future.
Life is about taking risks. If you have an ambition, a desire to become someone of substance, if you want to be an example for others to follow, then learn how to be a Leader. Do not be afraid of CHANGE.
You will be ahead of others if you are willing to take the road less traveled. People will begin to see your strengths and will admire and will make you as their role model.
I’m sharing this with you, through my very own experience. I will not suggest you if I hadn’t done them myself. You see, I want to be a change catalyst. I see that transformation in myself happening before my eyes day by day, I became stronger everyday. I became the person that I want to be, incharge, know what I want and how to get things done. No one can stop me from doing the good things in life, from receiving the good things in life.
I am the master of my soul, and I am the master of pain. I will bounce back in no time, with God's Will.
I want to thank you all for reading, and I hope this will be a turning point for you, in having the courage to take action in your life, and start the healing process from now! And remember, learning is a continuous process in life. When you stop learning, you stop growing. Personal growth and development is very important in having a balanced, meaningful and purposeful life! When you are strong emotionally, you will be able to deal with broken hearts more effectively.
You will know you are healed when you are able to TRUST and to LOVE again. When people feel your POSITIVE vibes and feel good being around you. When people start t o notice the radiance, the inner glow you spread to others, effortlessly.
TRUST that YOU will get back on your feet again, and move on with your life in a POSITIVE mode .
To all of you who are experiencing broken hearts, I wish you all a very Happy Valentines, dont be sad because there will be no dinner invitations or lovely Valentine gifts for you this year! You can enjoy Valentines day, by yourself! Learn to love yourself and enjoy your own company!
I welcome feedbacks from readers, perhaps I can learn a few things from you! Also, to those who wants to learn more about the art of
Self-Mastery and build your personal Brand, please do contact me.
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